We all hear many words of condolence, and most of them are
not very meaningful. It's not the fault of the person speaking, but rather the
result of our culture. We live in times in which death often reduced to anti-climactic occurrence within a lifetime. People offer their condolences, and we can appreciate their concern for us. However, offering condolences should not be synonymous with offering sympathy.
When people are truly feeling sympathy for us, they are not
merely being kind or socially proper. True sympathy means they are feeling at
least some of what we are feeling and are experiencing loss as we are
experiencing loss. It may not be so profound, but their sadness goes beyond
their concern for our close family.
When I recall the deaths in my own life, without fail I
think of our sons, our parents, and my best friend. My best friend's death was a
loss that is still with me, and her death has been only slightly overshadowed
by the deaths of family members. I remembered this clearly when our son died 25
years ago. I knew that his friends would be confused and hurt, and I wanted to
provide them with opportunities to share their own loss and feelings with us. They did return sympathy to us, and it continued for a long time.
They were remarkable for a number of years. They made an
effort to get to know me, and I am honored to have become a friend of each of
them. During the first year or two, they were near us to reflect and console us
often. They were important to me because our son was important to them. I still
hold them in high regard. They showed me that they too were wounded by our
son's death, and they were truly sympathetic.
When our other son died a year ago, many of his friends were
deeply saddened. Because of maturity, they were better able to express their sadness
and did so to us. Although some of them had not seen our son for years, they
still spoke of their own heartfelt loss and we are touched by the loving words
they used in describing their loss of their friend.
Sometimes we are so wounded that we fail to see the hurt of
others. In that hurt, however, we can find love and further healing. We are not
required to compare our grief, nor are we able. All we can do is open our arms
and know the love that was given to friends by our sons. We can then accept that a part of his love
is being returned to us in sadness and sincerity.
