Thankfully, The Tears Never Really Stop

      I try to be a happy person and usually succeed. Nevertheless, every day there are times that I am on the brink of tears. This started nearly 25 years ago when our 17-year old son died. I might be alone, I might be with friends, or I might be sitting in front of the entire church ready to play an introduction to the next hymn. The moments at the edge of crying are fleeting, however, and I don't think others notice. It's not that I am disturbed by the rush of sadness. It is that I am aprehensive that other people will not recognize my grief, and will consider my sadness to be hurt about something current.
      Of course I don't know for sure, but sometimes I believe that people think I am a happy person, perhaps even a silly person. Perhaps there are people who believe I am unfeeling or even shallow. I am aware that I might possibly portray those characteristics, but I am comforted by the hope that I am viewed in more positive ways as well.

      Daily events and people stop the tears from erupting. Happiness and joy, and sadness and grief are not necessarily opposites. A griever can be happy in one context and sad in another. He or she can be grieving and joyful simultaneously when faced with a loved one’s death; grieving that the loved infant, child, or adult no longer exists, but joyful that they are remembered.

      We who grieve seek solace, but we don’t necessarily seek an end to grief. Other people tell us they hope we find “closure,” “resolution,” or “acceptance” and we are taken aback. Deep within us, these words imply the loss of memories.

      Grief and joy are not exclusive of one another. Although for a while, joy might end when grief begins, grief does not end when joy begins. The two terms define the content of life itself.

       Emotions and feelings might be better understood as colors in a spectrum. Those colors may be arranged according to hue, with grief at one end of the spectrum and joy at the other, but the hues start moving randomly within the spectrum, forming new colors and new learning. They may also be blended in such a way that they are tempered and reduced in intensity. The spectrum is always changing, but when movement slows down, each individual should try to perceive that singular slowly changing portion that is pleasing and contains both grief and joy specifically for her or him. That is the portion of the spectrum we can call peace.